To her first born
Good mothers look in the mirror and their only regret is stretch marks. I see a mother who desperately wishes for a do over.
It has been over 18 years since I became a mother for the first time. The reflection looks less than stellar on me.
I never thought these were the questions to my first born that I would beg to ask. Did I enjoy you enough? Did I give you all you needed.
I gaze tirelessly wanting to know is your heart still whole? Is your spirit unbroken? Do you know how gorgeous you are? Do you truly know your worth?
Do you know, that you know, that you know, the day you claimed Jesus Christ as your Savior is the absolute, hands down most important day in life? Did I instill that desire in you, to teach your children the same? Am I the mother you never want to grow and be?
Oh Lord Jesus, please forgive me!
They say nobody ever gets it right on the first try. I would like to introduce “they” to you. Along with the studies show the oldest child is usually the smartest, most organized, and responsible. You have all these traits. I give the majority of that credit to your four wonderful grandparents. All I did was give you my presence. Which unfortunately looking in this mirror, I now see that was not good enough. In fact harmful at times.
For the most part I haven’t wanted to be around me! Oh but you have! Through the good, through the bad, and head first into the worst. You were right by my side, with a smile and what appeared a heart full of pride. Proud to be with me? Do you not see what I see?
I see a mother who has often been scared. I’ve been scared of big things and little things. Scared of things that were and things that were not there.
Fear often played captive to my heart and certainly my mind, to the point I couldn’t think of anything else. I forgot to relax and to enjoy you. I forgot to smile and to laugh. I regret the nights I forgot to smell your hair and watch you sleep.
This same mirror reflects a mother exhausted from staying lost. I’ve struggled a lot with my own demons. My heart aches to think how often you must have thought it was you.
Precious child please know it’s been my own anxiety and depression, but it was never, ever your fault. Not once, not ever were any of my weakness a result of you!
Often times the struggle of a mother is so much that she has no dreams or hopes. The real shame of that is we forget to encourage and instill in our children to have dreams and hopes.
The reflection that really gets to me. The one where I’m asleep and your standing at the foot of my bed. Those were the times you came to me and I was hiding from it all. A nap seemed to take my mind away from whatever pain I had. It was a diversion from reality that required absolutely no response or emotion from me. How selfish I was. Be still my heart, how patient were you.
I didn’t pick up on all your sad faces. The times I ignored you. Putting you off as a rambling preteen. I see now, often what you were saying was pouring out of your heart. Meanwhile my mind was on something insignificant a thousand miles away. I’m so ashamed.
No doubt the reason “I got it right the first time” was because God saw fit to create you and allow me to borrow you. You were the great and perfect gift from above! I was simply blessed but too selfish to stop and appreciate it.
The crazy thing is, that I remember so many happy times. I was there for all your first. The times were so few I left you to do my on thing, I could count on my hand. Oh my goodness the feeling that made me a different person, was the moment I held you for the first time. You walked before you crawled. Oh and you were always first alternate in the pageants. I thought you should have won them all.
Please don’t fill your life with so many regrets, that you cannot look back enjoy the good times.
These are a few of the things I’m working on with your little sis. I encourage you as a mom yourself now to place them on your mirror. Look long and hard everyday, because your beautiful.
-Do not let your happiness revolve around anyone else. You and Jesus are all you need.
-Put down your phone from 6-9 every night
-Take a break from all types of social media a few times a year
-Be Anxious For Nothing
-Have No Idols Before Him
-Do Not Be Lazy
-Wake up every morning with
on your tongue and in your heart.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1Cor 13:4-7)
Thank you darling for being so much more than I deserve! Remember it is never the mirror you should hate. If you see yourself not being the person you want to be. The change always starts in you, not with someone or something else.